I was caught in a Pornado

I wanted to share with you an incredible and spiritual sacrament talk I heard this past Sunday. Brother Johnson, the 2nd counselor and a man in his mid forties with streaks of gray in his dark brown hair, was giving a talk on something super duper important.

Brother Johnson was talking about the ever present threat on families that are happening in society today. He chose to use the metaphor of the tornado that hit recently, and the destruction that it left behind. The damage that was done to the families in its path, and how they will never be the same again.

there are storms in our every day lives that can still leave behind just as much pain and wreckage in our lives, those terrible storms are called: Pornados.

Here's my notes on the talk, feel free to copy them down and pass them out to the youth, especially the young and inactive males.

(elder gandys notes on the talk)

1.How easily it is to get caught up into a Pornado.

2.How to be saved by getting into the root cellar of the lord (the church and its members)

3.How to survive by eating the pickled preserves of the lord (scriptures and fast offerings, and some chicken).

Pornados are super dangerous. What is a Pornado? Simple. A Pornado is when a young man or some inactive, or otherwise active male of the church accidentally clicks on a spam ad in his email. It's starts very innocently enough. One click on something you had no real idea what it was, like - hey, it's me - in the subject line of your email. Then you click on it, and before you know it, you're starting at a full breasted sweedish woman with bosoms the size of school buses.

Then the Pornado hits. Suddenly, all of a sudden, you start clicking and clicking on any dirty picture in sight, click, click, click, click, click, oh no!!! you're in a Pornado, click, click, click, click, then, like in a flash, there's a release and your keyboard is sticky, you're in the eye of the storm.

But before you can get out, you've reached the end of the eye, and you're caught up into the Pornado's rath again: click, click, click, click, click, more bosoms, more legs and succulent sweedish women licking their lips at you, click, click, click...it is finished....

You've just been spiritually stabbed to spiritual death by Stan's evil ways, and you don't even realize it.

Brothers and Sisters, don't ever get caught up in a Pornado - say no to them and sing songs in your head all day.

Pray for me,

Elder Gandy

The Three Nephites

I know, I know, I'm only supposed to share super secret special spiritual moments amongst close friends, or in the ensign, but I couldn't help but share this one.

The night the three Nephites saved my life.

This happened before my mission. It was a cold and stormy night, like most nights when something awful is about to happen, and something awful did happen. I got a flat tire.

You see, getting a flat tire on the side of the road is one of the most scariest things that can happen to a person, because as we all know, there's usually trickery afoot when there's a flat tire (yes, the workings of satan) because as we're all taught from our parents, satan has control of three things: the water, flat tires, and the Chinese.

So there I was, sitting outside of my driveway on the street trying to go to early morning seminary when my tire was flat. I did not know what to do. I remembered those childhood stories my mother told me about flat tires and satan, how he's always on the prowl to find the right tire to deflate, and today he found mine.

Just then, like a miracle, my car starting bumping and jostling, I didn't know what it was and I was scared!!! Could it be the prince of the dark? Someone, or something, was out there, doing something with the tires.

I started to defog my window because it was foggy, and out in the distance, I could scarcely see an image of a personage surrounded by light. But I was so sacred, I yelled at the person through the window, "get away from my car, Stan!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs (stan is my mom's name for Satan, so it doesn't give him power when we call his real name).

Just then, I slammed on the gas and my wheels started peeling out, making a sharp schreeching sound. Then, as the wheels started moving, I rolled over something. Right then, an awful sound came from one of the three Nephites, "GAARRHHH my F###ing leg!!!!" "You ran over my F###ing leg you idiot!!!""

It wasn't the three Nephites after all!! It was my Dad trying to put some fix it flat in my tire (sorry dad). I accidentally rolled over his foot when I slammed on the gas.

And that was the one of the most spiritual stories of my life (please only retell this when you feel the spirit prompts you with special feelings in your body). I just thought I should share this for some reason on the internets, hopefully it will help someone get baptized.

Pray for me,

Elder Gandy

Jesus Sucks at Math

I was trackting out some houses yesterday when i came across an old man in his house wearing nothing but his white underpants. He saw me and my comp, looked us up and down, then shouted at us, "come in and close the f'n door'.

To which I said, "ok!"

I was so excited because we had been knocking on doors all day, and no one had let us in and we were freezing!!!

Anyway, Grunald, that's the old guy's name sat us down and before we could say anything, he started to tell us about the rest of the story. I said, "Grunald, what is the rest of the story that you keep talking about?"

Then he told me.

"You see, Elders, you haven't heard about the rest of the story with Jesus' first job. Jesus was a sheppard, but he really, really, really sucked at math. In the olden days, before they had math, the sheppards would get dizzy trying to keep track of their flocks.

So one day, Jesus was walking and tending his sheep, the sheep would go, baaa, baaa!!! and that would drive Jesus crazy. Anyway, Jesus counted all his sheep that he was sheeping, 100. He was responsible for 100 sheep. That's the way they did it in those days.

Jesus noticed that on this day, there were only 99 sheep. 1 sheep was missing. Jesus did not know what to do. Should he go and look for the 1 sheep? Or should he make sure the 99 are safe? He did not know what to do.

That's when the story takes a turn for the worst. Jesus, because he sucked at math, decided to go and get the 1 sheep. He left the other 99 to die without him, because they surely would be eaten by the hungry sheep eaters across the way.

Jesus tried to count, he tried and tried, and every time he tried, he came up with 1 being a bigger number than 99. So he left to get the 1. He was gone the whole day trying to get the 1. When he came back, the other 99 were dead. Most of the sheep had been eaten, or run oft.

Then Jesus looked up and down and said, "I am not a very good sheppard at all".

He was fired that very day, and he had to beg for his bread for the rest of his life. He would go to town to town to town begging for bread and telling people tales so they would give him bread.

That's the rest of the story."

I then asked him if he wanted to get baptised. He said no, and I said ok.

Mormon stories and Tom Sawyer

I know, I know. You're sitting there thinking to yourself, what the heck is Elder Gandy writing about this time?

I'll tell you what he's writing about; he's writing about the greatest lesson ever told. He's writing about how to influence people and get them to be your friends. He's writing about missionary work.

You see, whenever I'm in teaching mode at a stranger's house, I tell them the most profound spiritual lesson I can. And it goes something like this:

Many, many years ago, before the invention of the motor car, there was a man, a great man with silver lined golden hair, blue eyes that burned like the underbelly of the bright sun, and teeth that were straight as fence posts. That man, no, that incredible man's name was Joseph Smith.

Now let me tell you something, sir (talking to the stranger as I sit on his chair in his house) That man created the greatest religion of all time. And he got people to work, days and days and days, on his church for free. Not just for free, but he got them to pay 10% (and if their really, really righteous, 20%) of all their income to his church. How did, I said how did he do that?

Easy. Joseph Smith was the modern day Tom Sawyer.

You see, Joseph and Tom are very, very similar. Tom Sawyer had to paint a fence. But he didn't want to. It was hard, and the fence smelled. So he had an idea; he would get others to paint the fence for him, and he would not only get them to do the work, he would have them pay to do it. That's right, the workers paid Tom to paint his fence.

How did he do it? Easy. He did it through the spirit.

The spirit knows all. And it knows a good deal when it sees it. Good deals are true, and they are delicious to the taste. So when Joseph Smith had to build his church, he convinced all these people to build it for him, but not only to build it with their own time and resources, but to pay Joseph 10% of all their income, too.

Genius.

That's why Joseph Smith and Tom Sawyer are the greatest minds that have existed in the Western Hemisphere since Sir Albert Einstein. I myself am doing the Prophet Smith proud. I not only work everyday knocking on doors trying to build his church, but I also pay for my expenses out of my own pocket. And on top of that, I make sure to pay 10% of all the money my parents send me to survive to Joseph's Church.

Mormons were the first Hippies

Sometimes as a missionary for my church I find myself having to teach people some and simple truths.

Joseph Smith was the first hippie. That is a scientific fact. He was a true prophet and he started a counterculture to the status quo of his day and age. He built an intentional community of like-minded individuals where they could practice their alternative lifestyles as they saw fit. They were hippies.

Mormons were the first hippies.

Under the Prophet's direction, they established a new community where the Prophet told us how to live and how to treat each other. It was beautiful. True, the Prophet did establish a new order of marriage, where he could marry many women, but like all true and great men, he found the current trend of one man to one wife to be limiting and not very with the changing times.

He did it. And then his predeccesors moved outside of the United States in order to practice their alternative lifestyle. They formed communities outside the mainstream America and built a system where people truly loved each other.

I am a 5th generation Mormon. I come from this line of counter-culture revolutionaries. And I am so proud of my hippie fore-fathers.

Pray for me,

- Elder Gandy

What do Mormons do in Temples

Dear Elder Gandy,

I've been seeing all these temples around, and I know that Mormons go to these temples, but what exactly do Mormons do in temples? - truthfully yours, Mindy Meyers

Dear Sister Meyers,

That is such a great question. What do Mormons do in Temples? Well, what don't they do!! Just kidding, Mormons (of which I am) do many things in the temple, but I'm going to talk about one thing that I really find to be worthy of note.

Temples are for making cookies

If you know of any Mormons, or you have met some, it's only a matter of time until they stop by your house and drop off a plate of cookies. Yum. I know what you're thinking, "did he just say cookies". Yes, I did.

You see, cookies have a spiritual significance for Mormons. Back in the pioneer days, when the Mormons were crossing the plains into the Salt Lake City, they were all out of food. They only had a few cookies left in their treasure chests. So, knowing that they were about to die because they didn't pack much food for their journey, they prayed.

And boy did they pray. They prayed so hard that God answered their prayers. The treasure chest was full of cookies, overflowing to feed all the pioneers until the next spring when they could plant crops.

What does that have to do with the temple?

In the Mormon Temples, they have special baking ceremonies where they make cookies in a special ceremony. It's not secret, it's sugary goodness. And they bake and bake. They bake all night in the temple (the spires are so tall because they are actually chimneys where smoke comes out from the giant ovens). And they bake all the cookies all the time, all day and night long.

You wouldn't believe it, but inside the Temples it's a lot like Willy Wonka's factory, except for chocolate, it's a giant cookie factory.

Then, when Mormons find a new recruit that they want to join the club, they send out a cookie patrol to bring you a fresh baked plate of cookies straight from the special temple ceremonies. Don't worry, they've been blessed. The cookies are made special just for you.

That's what Mormons do in Temples.

Pray for me,

Elder Gandy

Brothers and Sisters

I gave a talk today in sacrament meeting. It was good. It was about my first month as an LDS missionary. Here's a summary:

Good afternoon brothers and sisters. I never thought I'd make it here today. But, here I am. I am here today to tell you about something super sweet and special. Jesus. You see, brothers and sisters, Jesus is the 'key' to the gospel.

Usually, when I teach people in their homes, they don't really know who Jesus is, so I tell them. Jesus is the 'key', and then I show them my keys to the car I drive. The key unlocks the doors to the car, and then, when you insert the key, you can then turn on the car.

Like the key, Jesus can turn on our engines. He can even rev up our engines, if you will.

(Right in the middle of the talk, I felt prompted by the spirit to change what I was saying midsentence)

Brothers and Sisters, I feel a special feeling that the spirit wants me to say something, something really, really important to someone out there that's listening. I can feel the spirit work through me know...coming up...up to my throat...coming up now....here it is.......

"Do not seek the treasure. Do not seek the treasure. The Eagle is on the Table. The Eagle is on the Table. THE BISHOP'S DAUGHTER IS NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES."

After saying that, I was so overcome by the spirit that I fainted backwards, hitting my head on the wooden chairs right behind me. I started crying and wailing.

It hurt bad, but the spirit had to say what he had to say. I had a big bump on my head the rest of the day (and I kinda threw up all over the bishop because I was so dizzy after hitting my head, but it's ok because he said he could get his clothes dry cleaned).

The spirit is awesome.

Pray for me,

- Elder Gandy